Friday, March 1, 2013
Real Racing 3: A Commentary
"You mean the franchise racing game that plays the game for you? But because it looks nice, everyone raves about how mobile phone gaming is close to dispatching console and PC gaming, even when it isn't?"
"That's the one!"
"So how does it play?"
"You tilt the phone to turn, and tap the screen to slow down. Most of the time the game brakes for you."
"You can't even accelerate yourself? Pfft, modern gaming eh? And this is supposed to be hardcore?!"
"Well, look, it is just as pretty as Gran Turismo 5."
"Here, let me try... Ooh, that Porsche is sweet. Reminds me of the last good Need For Speed game EA ever made. You know, Porsche Unleashed. No? You are probably too young to remember... Holy crap Batman, that's a lot of jaggies!"
"It looks better in motion. You saying PS3 games doesn't have jaggies?" *rolleyes*
"Whatever. Argh, why the hell are these opponents trying to ram me out GTA style?!"
"The A.I. is a bit poor, that can sometimes happen. But who cares? Look at the graphics, dude!"
"Yeah yeah. The physics is a bit bouncy too."
"Stop being an old man and appreciate an obviously pretty game."
"Yay, I won this race. Okay, so I have incurred some damages. Wait, why is it asking for real money to have my car fixed quicker?"
"Yep, that is EA's fantastic new business model where you pay to get trivia stuff done faster. I should have mentioned that earlier."
"So, what you are saying is Real Racing 3 is a racing simulator of what it is like to race with psychopathic mechanics who are out to damage your car, just so you will have to pay them to fix it later?"
"Worst. Game. Ever."
"You complain a lot."
"Fuck this shit." *whips out Outrun*
Tested on iPhone 4S